Never Ever Forever
by Sarah LoTuS
Summary: Rach has just died. Jack's long vigil with her at the morgue. Yeah, tissues, definitely.


This story was written in answer to a challenge on the ratfic list--to write a story incorporating song lyrics. The song is called 'End of the Line' and it is from the album 'Americana' by The Offspring

Disclaimer: The people and events aren't mine; the words _are_ mine--except the ones in   
italics, and they belong to The Offspring and Mushroom Music.

TISSUE ALERT--This one's a sad one...

  
Never Ever Forever   
4-6 November, 1999 

The paramedic gave him a sympathetic look as he closed the ambulance doors. Jack didn't even notice it. His mind was numb; he couldn't think. He couldn't even cry. He climbed in the front seat and stared out the windscreen, feeling the slight shuddering as the driver started the engine. No frantic speeding, nor flashing of sirens--it was too late for that. Slowly   
accelerating; smoothly gliding to its final destination.

The morgue.

Rachel didn't belong in the morgue. The morgue was for dead people. Rachel couldn't be dead. She'd been with him the night before, laughing and happy; drinking wine and playing old records 'til the early hours of the morning. Twenty-four hours ago.

_When the siren's flash is gone_   
_And we're left to carry on_   
_All the memories are too few_

His shirt stuck to his chest. Sticky with her life's blood. Poured all over him like champagne.   
How could this have happened? She was right behind him. He'd only turned his back for a   
second.   
One second. That was all it took for her to exit his life forever.   
He'd begged her not to die. He didn't know if she'd heard him or not. She certainly hadn't done what she was told, but then Rach was never one to do something just because she was told to. Bloody contrary woman.   
He wondered if she knew that she had taken the best part of him with her.

_When the Pastor's music plays_   
_And the casket rolls away_   
_I could live again if you_   
_Just stay alive for me_

The ambulance drew to a shuddering stop, and the driver got out and opened the back door. He and his partner took hold of either side of the stretcher and lifted her down onto the bitumen. Jack followed silently as they wheeled her into the hospital and down a deserted hall to the morgue.   
They lifted her onto a slab, closed the drawer and left without speaking a word. One of them   
laid a hand on his arm momentarily as he walked out, taking the stretcher with him.   
Jack pulled a chair up and sat down, resting his forehead on the cold steel of number twenty   
three.

_Please stay, now you left me here alone_   
_It's the end of the line_   
_Please stay, I can't make it on my own_   
_Make it on my own_   
_It's the end of the line_

He was glad of the cold. He felt he deserved the discomfort. He'd failed her. He should have   
done something, _anything_ to stop this from happening, but he'd missed the chance. So many   
little things contributing to her fate. He looked at the blood on his hands, his shirt, his tie, his   
pants. Dried. Dead. Like her.

_Now that you are dead and gone_   
_And I'm left to carry on_   
_I could never smile 'cause you_   
_Won't stay alive for me_

A clock on the wall on the other side of the room ticked loudly, punctuating the silence. Jack   
wanted to rip it away from the wall and break it into a million pieces, but he didn't want to leave her, even for a second. He wouldn't make that mistake again.   
He began to sob quietly. At least she wouldn't have been in pain. They say you never feel the   
wound that kills you. She'd known she was dying, though; he'd seen the fear in her eyes, and the acceptance. Her eyes haunted him.

_Please stay, now you left me here alone_   
_It's the end of the line_   
_Please stay, I can't make it on my own_   
_Make it on my own_   
_Oh, it's the end of the line, oh_

The paramedics had given her CPR when they'd arrived, but she'd already died in his arms. Still he'd pleaded with her to come back. Stay alive. Don't die. She hadn't heard, probably halfway to Heaven. She had to be somewhere, and happy. He wished he really believed that.   
Why couldn't they have got me instead? He would have gladly given his life, if it had only   
saved hers.   
She was with him in body, perhaps she was even with him in spirit; but she would never again be with him as herself. She could never ever be whole again. Neither could he.

_Finally_   
_Your final resting day_   
_Is without me_   
_I weep_   
_And think of brighter days_   
_What about me?_

Her family would be devastated. He'd wanted to tell them himself, but he had to stay with her. Young David--he'd promised her he'd tell him.   
It was probably a good idea that they didn't see him; covered in her blood. The mark of Cain;   
the one who should have been able to save her, but didn't.

_You can't take back the one mistake_   
_That still lives on after life it takes_   
_In that one day, that changed our lives_   
_And bitter memories are left behind_

If only they hadn't gotten out of bed that morning. If only they hadn't set up that surveillance. If only they'd found Reilly. If only he'd waited for backup. If only he hadn't turned his back.   
One second. Gone forever.

_Please stay, now you left me here alone_   
_It's the end of the line_   
_Please stay, I can't make it on my own_   
_Make it on my own_   
_Please stay, now you left me here alone_   
_It's the end of the line_   
_Please stay, I can't make it on my own_

Why. If only. Never ever. Forever.

~Finis.

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